Lest we forget...what was it?

In the gloom of the storeroom, Josiah Oakshott worked his way along the shelf, counting under his breath.  Finally, he said,

“25 ceramic plant holders, blank”

Archibald Thurble, tongue firmly fixed in the corner of his mouth, carefully wrote the number in the relevant box and ticked the line.

“25 ceramic plant holders, blank” He intoned.

“25 plant holder inserts, metallic” Josiah said as he moved a little to the right of the shelf.

“25 plant holder inserts, metallic” Archibald echoed.

“5 ceramic plant holders, inscribed ‘Dad’”

“5 ceramic plant holders…’Dad’” Archibald ticked again.

“8 ceramic plant holders, inscribed…” Josiah sighed, deeply, “‘Mam’

“Hur, you don’t like them very much, do you Mr. O.?”

“I deeply regret ever having been persuaded to purchase them, Archibald.” Josiah turned to address his assistant, “The only aspect, which gives me some modest hope, is that we have only sold two.  That the language of Chaucer, Shakespeare and Churchill should come to this…”

“Ooh, that reminds me, Mr. O.  Did you celebrate V.D. Day the other day?”

“Did I celebrate what, Archibald” Josiah was never entirely sure whether his assistant was being humorous, although anything resembling a joke usually started with a characteristic ‘Hur’.

“V.D. Day.  It was the other day.  I thought about it ‘cause you mentioned that Churchill bloke and my Nan was going around imitating him.  Mind you, she’d been on the stout for most of the day.  It’s never a good sign when she’s putting it on her cornflakes.”  Archibald mused, “We shall bite them, on the features” He declaimed in a reasonable impression of Winston Spencer.

“Er, no Archibald.  The quote is “We shall fight them on the beaches””

“Is it?  I thought it was a bit odd when she said it.  I couldn’t figure out why you’d want to do it!”  Archibald chewed his pencil, thoughtfully, “She kept singing them Vera Ellen songs an’ all…”We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know…” Archibald warbled.

“Vera Lynn.”  Josiah corrected, “Her name is Vera Lynn.  Actually, my late mother used to call that song ‘Whale Meat Again’” Josiah smiled at the memory.

“Did she?” Archibald looked at him blankly.

“It’s a joke, Archibald.” Josiah explained, patiently, “I gather that whale meat could be bought ‘off ration’ during the war but it wasn’t very popular, hence the song title parody.  I also think you’ll find it’s V.E. Day, Archibald”

“Are you sure, Mr. O.?”

“I’m absolutely certain, Archibald.  It stands for Victory in Europe.” Josiah warmed to his theme, “the Second World War was unusual in that it had two conclusions.  The first being Victory in Europe then, subsequently, V.J. Day for Victory in Japan.  V.D., on the other hand, stands for, erm…well, it used to be representative of Venereal Disease” Josiah blushed, slightly.

“Funereal…?” Archibald queried.

“No. venereal.  I think the term now is STI”

“Isn’t that something to do with telephone calls?

”

“No, you are thinking of STD, Archibald, which I believe used to stand for Subscriber Trunk Dialling. I’m not absolutely certain of the etymology of that particular phrase, other than that it had something to do with not having to place calls via the operator.  STI stands for Sexually Transmitted Infection” Josiah was distinctly uncomfortable about the direction of the conversation.

“Sexually Transmitted…?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“I think you might want to discuss the matter with your mother, Archibald.” Josiah suggested, desperate to change the subject.  “I don’t obviously remember the original V.E. Day, having been born a few years after the event.  I was one of the baby-boomer generation”

“Isn’t that something to do with little kangaroos?” Archibald smiled at the thought, “I’ve heard they call them ‘boomers’ down under”

“No, that’s ‘joeys’, Archibald.  ‘Baby-boomer’ relates to the dramatic increase in the population as a consequence of the conclusion of hostilities, and the return of soldiers to their homes”

“How did that make a difference then?” Archibald frowned.

“Well, they’d been away for up to six years.  So, when they came back…you know?” Josiah said, hopefully.

“Not really, Mr. Oakshott”

“Well, you know, men and women…”  Josiah realised he was floundering, “your mother must have mentioned it to you, surely?  Birds and bees, and all that?”

“Oh yeah, she went on about storks and stuff.  I didn’t really follow it, if I’m honest, Mr. O.”  Archibald shook his head, “I think gooseberry bushes came into it an’ all, somewhere.”

“Perhaps one of your compatriots, then?”  Josiah clutched at a straw.

“Oh yeah! Egbert’s got some right stories” Archibald nodded, enthusiastically.

“Well, Egbert would not, perhaps, have been my first choice as a fount of knowledge.  I dare say that he might be able to fill in some of the more sordid details for you, Archibald.  However, we do seem to have somewhat strayed from our original topic.  How did you celebrate V.E. Day?”

“Oh, me Mam…” Josiah visibly winced, “made a cake with red, white and blue icing and we decorated the place”

“Bunting?”

“I wouldn’t know, Mr. O.” Archibald shook his head, sadly, “I don’t think I’ve ever bunted”

“No, Archibald, it is not a verb.  It refers to the little flags, usually triangular, which are often used to adorn houses and so on at times of national festivity”

“Oh, right!  Well, yeah we put some flags up.  Me Nan said she’d got the flags of all nations up in the loft from the first V.E. Day”

“Very appropriate, Archibald.”

“Well, yeah, only when we went up there, we could only find two flags”

“That was unfortunate” Josiah sympathised.

“Turns out me Nan swapped the rest for a pair of nylons and a bar of chocolate”

“Understandable, I suppose” Josiah nodded, “both items were difficult to obtain during and after the war, I’m led to believe” 

“Oh no, not then.  This was last week in the back room of ‘The King of Prussia’.  Anyroad, we put the two flags up we had got and that was alright until the cop…” Archibald spotted the disapproving look on his employer’s face and changed tack, “the Police came and told us to take them down”

“Really?  That seems a little heavy-handed.  What was their rationale?”

“You what?”

“What reason did they give?” Josiah queried, with a patience born from long experience.

“Right, well they said they were ‘concerned that a breach of the peace might take place’” Archibald quoted.

“Goodness, how very odd!”

“Turns out that we were the only house in the street with a swastika and a rising sun on the front.  They thought we might get lynched.  Then me Nan said it was against her human rights to make her take her flags down and hit the cop…Policeman on the head with her walking stick, so she got arrested for assaulting a police officer and being drunk and disorderly.  Her case comes up next week.”

“You do have a somewhat varied and interesting home life, Archibald” Josiah remarked.

“It’s why I like being at work, Mr. O.  Shall we get on with the stock check?”

“I think we should, Archibald, I think we should.  So, let’s see, where were we?”  Josiah ran his finger along the shelf, “Ah yes, 10 plaster angels, white”

“10 plaster angels, white” Archibald intoned and ticked the relevant column with a flourish, “not plastered like me Nan though” he chuckled.

“No, Archibald, not in the same sense as your grandmother” Josiah confirmed, “and I very much doubt that she could be readily classified as ‘angelic’?”

“Me mam says she’ll get her reward in Heaven!”

“We must hope that is so, Archibald, for I fear it will not be the case down here.  Now then…”

You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald in the new collection of stories:

A Dubious Undertaking and other stories 

for just 99p!