Josiah Oakshott sat at his desk and tried to make some
headway with the piles of paperwork that littered it. Oakshott and Underwood, his firm of Funeral
Directors, were just so busy at the moment that there was rarely time to catch
up. Everything just seemed so immensely difficult.
As his tired eyes read the same paragraph for the fifth
time, the door to his office burst open and Archibald Thurble flung himself in. He slammed the door behind him and stood,
with his back pressed against it, breathing heavily, his eyes darting this way
and that.
“Archibald! Whatever
is the matter?” Josiah asked, with some alarm and concern.
“He erm…” Archibald swallowed hard and took a deep breath,
“he threatened to punch my lights out!”
“What? Who did?”
“That Mr. Blunt. He
just came in the office to drop an envelope off for you and I thought I ought
to try and be civil…”
“Oh dear!” Josiah covered his eyes with his hands. Bitter experience had taught him that
Archibald’s interactions with the public were almost certain to end in tears,
usually Josiah’s.
“…so, any road, I asked him how many were coming to the
burial and he just went mental!”
Josiah peered over his fingertips at his panting
associate. This was clearly going to be
difficult.
“I will come to speak to Mr. Blunt at once, Archibald.”
“Well, I think he’s probably best left for a minute, Mr.
O. He’s sat down on one of the sofas,
just breathing heavily and staring into space”
“Ah, I see.” Josiah
thought for a moment, “On reflection then, I will speak to him in a few
minutes, once he has had time to calm himself.
You must not reproach yourself, Archibald. The Blunts’ are a large and close-knit family and
they had every reason to expect that they would be able to have a suitably
large family gathering when old Mrs. Blunt passed away. That they cannot, under the current
restrictions, is, inevitably a source of immense sadness and regret”
“Did she die of this virus thingy?”
“No, no Archibald.
She had been ill for some considerable time and her passing was by no
means unexpected. It is just very
unfortunate that it should happen in the current circumstances. Sadly, the distancing requirements will mean
no more than a handful of the family will be able to be at the graveside.”
“Ah yes, this is that sexual distancing innit” Archibald
nodded, thoughtfully.
“The what?”
“The sexual distancing.
That’s what it’s called, right?”
“I think the term for which you are grasping, Archibald, is
‘social distancing’”
“Are you sure, Mr. O.?”
“I have it on good authority,
Archibald, yes”
“Oh! Only my girlfriend…”
“Your girlfriend? Really, Archibald?” Josiah couldn’t quite hide the note of
surprise in his voice, “Would this be the young lady in the employ of the fish
and chip shop, of whom you told me before?”
“Yeah, that’s her” Archibald
nodded and a broad grin suffused his previously troubled features.
“From our previous conversation, I
gathered that you believed you had an ‘understanding’ with the young lady in
question?”
“Yeah, well, it’s gone a bit
further than that now” Archibald’s grin widened.
“You can spare me the details,
Archibald. I assure you I have no wish
to pry”
“Or fish to fry!” Archibald chuckled.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Just a chip shop joke, Mr. O.”
Archibald explained, “We did have an ‘understanding’ but, just lately, well
until all this lark cracked off, she was letting me walk her home of an
evening”
“I’m delighted that your
relationship is burgeoning, Archibald”
“That’s when she told me about
this sexual distancing. She won’t let me
get no closer than six feet to her”
“Now I begin to understand” Josiah
nodded.
“Mind you, I reckon she must have
them permutations”
“Do you mean that she does the
football pools?” Josiah was baffled.
“Football Pools? No, I mean like she can tell what is gonna
happen”
“Ah, you mean ‘premonitions’”
“Do I? Well, alright, them then. She’s Clare something”
“That’s a nice name” Josiah
responded, approvingly.
“What is?”
“Clare, from the medieval ‘Clara’
I believe’”
“No, that’s not her name! Her name’s Noreen”
“You have me at a loss,
Archibald. Your girlfriend’s name is
Noreen but she’s Clare something?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Archibald thought furiously for a moment,
“Buoyant!” He announced, triumphantly.
“Really? A keen swimmer then?”
“Not that I know of. She reckons she sinks like a stone in the
Baths”
“You said she was buoyant” Josiah
pointed out.
“Yeah, she’s Clare Buoyant”
“Clare Buoyant? Oh, clairvoyant! You mean that she can foresee the
future?” Josiah translated with some
relief.
“Yeah, that’s it. ‘Cause I started seeing her home last autumn
and that’s when she told me about this ‘sexual distancing’ business, and we
didn’t even have the virus thingy then, did we?”
“Indeed not, Archibald. They were happier and more innocent days. Your girlfriend was certainly ahead of her
time” Josiah suggested, diplomatically.
“Unless she just didn’t want me
getting me hands on her batter bits” Archibald mused.
“I hope and trust that is not some
form of dubious rhyming slang, Archibald?”
“No.” Archibald looked puzzled,
“she always brings a big bag of batter bits home with her, which I reckon’s not
fair ‘cause she knows how much I like them, but she won’t let me anywhere near
them. Mind you, if I could get closer, I
could get me hand on her ar…”
“Archibald!”
“…my greatcoat. It looks nice and warm that does and I reckon
it’s big enough for two”
“Ahem, yes, I see.” Josiah blushed
a little, “I fear, Archibald, that it may be some considerable time before you
and your young lady are able to share batter bits…or anything else for that
matter. Now, I must attend to Mr. Blunt.”
“What are you going to say to
him?”
“There’s little of any consequence
that I can say, in all honesty, Archibald.
However, I have, over the past few weeks, developed a form of words that
seem to bring a modicum of comfort.”
Josiah headed toward the door, deep in thought. He stopped and turned to Archibald. “It is particularly galling, Archibald that,
at a time when mourning has never been more important, families are unable to
share their communal grief.” Josiah
sighed, deeply, “But, we are where we are and must rub along with it as best we
can. I would imagine that there will be
a considerable demand for memorial services when this is all over”
“You’ll say the right things, Mr.
O. You always do” Archibald reassured.
“Good of you to say so, Archibald.”
Josiah smiled at his employee, who was looking anxious and concerned, “You’re a
kind person, Archibald, I hope you and your young lady have a happy future
together”
“From a distance, eh Mr. O.?”
Archibald grinned.
“Indeed, from a distance,
Archibald.” Josiah took a deep breath
and headed out of the door.
You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald in the new collection of their stories:
