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I don't know about you (well, obviously I don't, I'm not even sure who you are) but Amazon and their associates have the happy ...

Friday, 16 October 2015

Nifty Shades of Grey - A competition

The scene is set in the Menswear section of a department store.  A very nondescript gentleman is wandering bemusedly around the various stands.  A salesman approaches, optimistically:

Salesman:  "Good morning sir, how are we today?"

Nondescript Gent: "I'm fine; I can't speak for you of course"

S:            "I meant, can I help sir out at all"

NG:        "I've only just come in!"

S:            "Very droll, sir.  Is sir looking for anything in particular today?"

NG:        "I was thinking about clothes"

S:            "I think of little else, sir.  Any particular garment at all?  I have a rather nice houndstooth jacket that might take your fancy?" [He plucks a sleeve from a rack]

NG:        "Oh no, that would be far too…definite.  I'm hoping for something irredeemably tedious"

S:            "Irredeemably tedious, really?  I do have a beige pair of trousers that many have said are quite dull, would that be what sir had in mind?"

NG:        "Beige?  it's a bit…colourful, isn't it?"

S:            "Oh, not these, sir."  [Flourishes a pair of very boring beige trousers from a nearby rack] "No-one could ever accuse these of anything approaching colour."

NG:        "They're a little…dramatic for my taste.  If I was thinking of anything, I suppose I was thinking of grey."

S:            "Grey?  Yes, I suppose sir would be.  How about this?" [He produces a pair of smart, charcoal grey trousers]

NG:        [shrinking back in horror] "They're very…very grey, aren't they?  Very definitely grey"

S:            [reproachfully] "Sir did say he was thinking of grey"

NG:        "Well, yes, but thinking of it and it coming at you like that, out of the…out of the…"

S:            "Out of the grey, sir?"

NG         "Yes, yes, I suppose so.  Well, it gave me a start, that's all"

S:            "These are not to sir's taste?"

NG:        "Have you anything that's not quite so definitely grey?"

S:            [dubiously] "Not so definitely grey? Could sir perhaps give me some illustration of what he had in mind?"

NG:        "Well, you know if you've washed a pair of white trousers with something black, by mistake, and the colour's run?  That sort of thing."

S:            "White trousers washed with black?" [he muses for a moment] "One moment, sir"

The salesman retires to a storeroom and there is the sound of packets being hurled about.  Eventually he appears, with dishevelled hair but clutching a cellophane packet of trousers.

S:            "These are from our Insipid collection.  As you might imagine, it never really caught the imagination of the clothes-buying public and we now keep just a few items in stock for the, erm…discerning customer." [He produces a pair of trousers of indeterminate greyness from the packet] "Would these be the sort of thing that sir had in mind?"

NG:        "Gosh, they really are rather dull, aren't they?"

S:            "I think sir's term 'irredeemably tedious' rather sums it up"

NG:        "Yes, yes, I think you're right.  I almost forgot they were there, even while I was staring at them"

S:            "I had much the same experience in the stock cupboard, sir.  Shall I wrap them, or will sir wear them right now?"

NG:        "Can you wrap them, please?" [conspiratorially]  I rather want to delay the pleasure of wearing them until I get home."

S:            [moving swiftly to the cash register, with some relief] "I quite understand.  Will there be anything else, sir?"

NG:        "I could do with a shirt to go with them.  Do you have anything in off-white?"

S:            [placing his hands over both eyes and sighing dramatically] "Off-white?  Would sir mind if I enquired as to sir's occupation?"

NG:        "I'm.......

This is where you come in.  I can't think of a pay-off for this sketch, so the first person to come up with an answer that I like, not only gets to finish the sketch but also wins a free copy of any of the four books on the right.  Put your suggestions in the comments below, please.