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Friday, 8 February 2013

A Sampler Sample

Yet another extract  from Jambalaya - possibly the silliest book on the planet!

For reasons too complex to describe here, but which involve a goat and a spot of mistaken identity, Miss Celany Garden and her maid, Ulolulo, have swapped places, unbeknownst to her father, Judge Garden:




Judge Garden stood outside the closed door of Celany’s room. He felt ridiculously self-conscious as he shuffled around, like a schoolboy waiting for the Headmaster’s call.  ‘This is ludicrous’ he told himself, ‘I must take charge of this situation.’ He rapped smartly on the door, flung it open and marched into the room.  The effect was somewhat spoiled by one of the hinges coming away from the door frame and the door, instead of crashing back with maximum drama, lurching drunkenly into the room and hanging there reproachfully.  The Judge cleared his throat, loudly.  There was no response from the figure sitting with her back to him in the dim candlelight by the window.  Judge Garden made a mental note that Celany seemed to be putting on weight.  He coughed, more loudly this time. “Celany” raised the sampler that she was working on above her shoulder and Judge Garden could see the text which read:-
 “Miz Celany has dun lost her voice.  Doant come near coz what she has is real infct…infsh…catching.”
            “Oh, I see.  Well, wrap up well and keep warm.”  The Judge was always uneasy with ladies’ ailments, “drink plenty of Gin.”  He dimly remembered his late wife advocating that remedy.
            Another sampler appeared.
 “Sho thing.”
            It read.
            The Judge retired, feeling somewhat cheated of his argument and worried about Celany.  Whatever it was she was suffering from had not only taken her speech away, it had also bloated her greatly and affected her use of language.  If she was no better in a week or so he would have to call the Doctor and hang the cost.