It had been a long and arduous
journey. Long, because any journey, when
you're not really sure where you're going, is bound to be perceived as
long. Arduous because they were
travelling on camels, and there is nothing more arduous than a camel,
especially when you are not really used to camels…or travelling for that
matter. But now, they dared to hope that
their journey was almost completed. The
star that they had been 'following', hung brightly before them and seemed to
indicate, as far as a star could indicate anything, that the location they were
searching for was just below them.
From the rear of the party, there
came a timeless and familiar cry.
"Are we there yet?"
"No, we are not, Melchior,
and that is the three hundred and fourteenth time you have asked me that since
we set out" Balthazar fumed.
"Alright, alright, keep your
crown on dear, just asking" Melchior muttered.
"There's some men walking on
the road ahead" Caspar pointed out, "perhaps they might know where we
can find him?"
"Ah yes, honest
shepherds" Balthazar noted with satisfaction, "just the chaps to have
the local knowledge we're looking for.
Leave this to me." As his
camel drew level with the shepherds, he drew himself up to his full height and
leaned forward (which is not easy to do on a camel). Adopting his best 'talking to foreign
peasants' accent, he thundered "LO!"
The first shepherd jumped a
couple of feet in the air, and the second quickly hid behind him. Rapidly recovering his composure, the first
shepherd looked up at the richly dressed man looming above him, crown sparkling
in the starlight. He looked back at his
companion, jerking his head in the direction of the king, in the time-honoured
fashion that has meant "We've got a right one here" down the ages.
"Of course we're 'low' to
you, comrade, sitting up there, lording it over us on your camel, whilst we
honest artisans are down here with the sheep"
"What did he say?"
asked Melchior
"Something about lard, sheep…
and I think he's called Honest Artie Sans" Caspar hazarded a guess based
on his limited knowledge of foreign tongues.
"Ah, a bookmaker!"
Melchior noted with satisfaction, "See what odds he's offering on the sex
of the baby will you Balthy?"
Balthazar, whose knowledge of the
local language was somewhat better than his compatriots, ignored their babble
and bent to his task.
"WE SEARCH FOR A KING"
He bellowed
"W..W..What did he
say?" asked the second shepherd.
The whole unsettling experience had brought back his childhood stutter.
"He said they're searching
for aching" the first shepherd said with an air of authority
"Sh..Sh..Sh" The first
shepherd waited for his companion to finish with a degree of trepidation,
"Shouldn't think they would need to search far, on the back of those things"
the second shepherd noted, finally, "I doubt they'll be able to sit down
for a fortnight"
"What do you want from
us?" the first shepherd reasonably asked
"WE NEED TO KNOW, oh the
hell with this, I'll come down"
Balthazar gave a shouted command to his camel, which duly ignored him,
but Melchior's promptly sank to its knees, depositing him unceremoniously on
the ground.
"You git, Balthazar!"
He yelled as he dusted the sand from his raiment, "that's the third time
you've played that trick"
"Sorry about that, old
chap" Balthazar apologised, "it's just a matter of getting the
inflection right." He tried again,
and this time his camel sank to its knees.
Regrettably, Melchior's simultaneously sprang up, just as he was about
to remount, causing him to tumble backwards onto a pile of sheep droppings.
"Now then, as I was
saying" Balthazar said to the first shepherd "we are searching for a
child"
"We? How many are you?" the first shepherd
asked. He had been trying to work this
out since their first encounter. Each
time he looked, it seemed as if there were a different number of camels and
riders. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
"Ah, that is
indefinite" Balthazar said enigmatically
"Indefinite? What do you mean, 'indefinite'? You must know how many there are of
you?"
"Not at all." Balthazar
insisted, "It is not written in The Book, therefore, we are
indefinite."
"Have you tried
c…c…counting?" the second shepherd asked.
"We can't" Balthazar
said smugly "we think it's quantum"
"Quantum? What the hell's
quantum when it's at home?" asked the first shepherd.
"Ah well," Balthazar
smoothed his beard in a manner that was intended to denote great wisdom, but
which only succeeded in adding a good number of camel hairs to his own
collection, "in this case, quantum means a situation in which the action
of observing something affects the outcome."
"Getaway!" the first
shepherd said, with considerable disbelief.
"Pull the other one, it's
got bells on it" the second shepherd averred with enthusiasm
"What's got bells on
it?" the first shepherd enquired
"I dunno" the second
shepherd was forced to admit, "It was something my old mum used to
say."
"And did hers have bells on
it?"
"Oh yes, she was a belly
dancer."
None of this exchange had meant
anything at all to Balthazar, but he felt he should try to educate these
peasants before he went on his way. Noblesse oblige and all that.
"Look, it's like you and
your sheep. When you count them, does it
always come to the same number?"
"Well, no." the first
shepherd admitted, "then again, I fall asleep more often than not when I'm
counting and lose track."
"There you are then, that's
quantum." Balthazar said with some satisfaction, "you have an
indefinite number of sheep"
"I do not have an indefinite
number of sheep!" The first shepherd
shouted, with feeling "I have 356 sheep, I'll have you know. It just doesn't always work out to that
number when I count them."
"Quantum!" Balthazar
said triumphantly
"Is that the s..s..same as
the w..w..wolf having them?" The second shepherd asked.
"Must be." The first
shepherd agreed, "Wouldn't have thought they would have been bold enough
to scoff a few kings though"
"To return to my original
point" Balthazar said firmly, "Do you know where the royal child is
to be found?"
"You reckon there's a royal kid
around here somewhere?"
"Pull the other
one…"the second shepherd began, and then thought better of it
"Doesn't really seem very
likely, does it squire?" the first shepherd pointed out, "All there
is here is sheep as far as the eye can see, and that bit of a town. Granted, there's a kid screaming blue murder
down there, but it stands to reason it ain't gonna be royalty don't it? Have you tried Herod?"
"What is 'Herod'?"
Balthazar asked, half expecting to be told it was a type of embrocation, which,
on reflection, he thought, wouldn't be a bad thing.
"Roman bastard" the
second shepherd said with feeling, "Oh, begging Your Grace's pardon"
he went to tug a forelock but realised he didn't know what one was.
"Don't be abasing yourself
in front of him, brother" the first shepherd said swiftly, "Just
'cause he's turned up with an indefinite number of mates riding camels, doesn't
make him no better than you and me"
"Balthy, sweetheart, are we
there yet?" Melchior pleaded
"Belt up, Melchior, or I'll
make your camel go down on you again" Balthazar snapped.
"Ooh, saucy!" Melchior
pouted, "See, I told you he was doing it deliberately" He muttered to
Caspar.
"Now," said Balthazar
with more patience than he was actually feeling, "what is 'Herod'?"
"Reckons he's King around
here" the first shepherd admitted, "I didn't vote for him
though. Would have thought he was past
it for knocking out nippers, but you never know."
"Then he must be our
goal." Balthazar argued confidently, "Where shall we find him?"
"A few miles that way."
the first shepherd pointed to the West," Ruddy great palace, you can't
miss it"
"That way? Are you sure?
Only the horoscope we drew up distinctly said…"
"Oh, horoscope is it?"
the first shepherd asked with interest, "What did it say about him then?"
"The child?" Balthazar
asked distractedly, "Well, he's a Capricorn"
"S..s..same as me!" The
second shepherd said excitedly
"Can you do mine?" The
first shepherd asked
"Yes," said Balthazar,
climbing unsteadily onto his camel, "You're in for a big surprise."
"Same old tripe they always
come up with" the first shepherd muttered disappointedly as an
indeterminate number of camels and kings loped into the distance, "you an'
all!" he shouted after them.
"Wer..Wer..What do you mean
by that?"
"Werl, I can't see Herod
being too chuffed when a load of foreign types turn up at his gaff asking to
see a new king, can you?"
They walked on, chuckling to
themselves.
"You don't think…" the
second shepherd began, hesitantly
"What's that, comrade?"
"You don't think this baby
down here could be…?"
"This king you mean?"
The first shepherd reflected for a moment, "who knows? Got as much right as anyone else, I guess."
"I was just thinking, you
know…a lamb! Doesn't seem much does
it?"
"Don't look at me,
brother. All I've got is 2 shekels and a
packet of fag papers. You should have
tapped that lot up for a tip if you wanted to bring anything else"
"Lamb it is then! Two shekels eh? We could stop for a pint before we pop
in"
"Oh, go on then. It is Christmas, after all!"
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment