Enter the slightly odd world of Phil Whiteland for a different view of today and yesterday that you might just find amusing.
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A Dog is not just for Christmas...but these two could be!
I promised you some news about Rohan and India, so here it is! The brand new book of stories about their lives at TURN Education is now av...
Sunday, 14 November 2021
A Dog is not just for Christmas...but these two could be!
Friday, 22 October 2021
Packham
One year ago this month we lost this chap, leaving a huge Chocolate Labrador-shaped hole in the hearts of everyone who knew and loved him.
Ironically, we were just about to publish the first collection of stories about Packham, and his companion India, as a paperback to raise funds for TURN Education. Caroline, TURN's founder, decided we should go ahead, in Packham's memory.
The original idea was to sell these at Open Days etc. but the pandemic rather scuppered that! We wanted to sell them ourselves as that ensured that at least £2 would go to TURN, whereas sales through Amazon only generated a handful of pence!
However, we are now making the book available as a Kindle e-book for the first time at just £1.99 (of which £1.22 goes to TURN, the rest to Amazon).
You get a whole series of heartwarming and amusing stories about Packham and India that every child will love and, don't forget, you can now give Kindle books as a gift! This is the blurb for the book:
"A collection of amusing and heart-warming stories about Packham and India, the two dogs at TURN Education. Although written for children, we strongly expect quite a few adults will enjoy the jokes and situations that arise as Packham and India try to make sense of their world. Starting from when India was just a puppy and learning the ropes (although she always had the measure of Packham) through to them moving to the smallholding where they, and the rest of the animals, then lived. Finally, coming up to date and introducing some familiar faces around TURN. All profits from the sale of this collection go to TURN Education to help with their remarkable animal -related therapy work with children, young people and their families. Sadly, after a brief and entirely unexpected illness, Packham passed away just as this book was being finalised for publication. Caroline insisted that this book should still be published in memory of Packham and to celebrate his life, and the joy and love he brought to everyone who knew him. This is for Packham."
You can see more about the Kindle edition by following this link
Coming soon, and certainly before Christmas (hopefully) 'Waggy Dog Tales 2', the further adventures of India and Rohan (as seen on ABCtales)
Tuesday, 5 October 2021
From A Dithtanthe!
From time to time I've been publishing stories about the two dogs and all of the other animals at TURN Education. You can find the latest stories on ABCtales, just follow this link. For some unknown reason, I couldn't upload this recent story to that site, so I'm sharing it here. Hope you enjoy it!
India was snoozing peacefully in her crate, warmed by a handy shaft of autumnal sunshine shining through the kitchen window. She heard, but tried to ignore, the pad, pad, pad of Labrador paws progressing from the kitchen door across the stone-tiled floor. Eventually the padding stopped and a shadow fell across her face.
“Erm” the shadow ventured.
“What?” India asked, crossly, with her eyes tightly shut.
“I don’t like to worry you…” Rohan (the owner of the shadow) began.
“But you’re going to, aren’t you? Why is it that, when anyone says ‘I don’t want to worry you…’, ‘worry you’ is exactly what they do?” India grumbled, still with her eyes firmly shut.
“Only…it’th Mom” Rohan explained. India jumped up, fully awake immediately.
“What about her? What’s happened?” She asked, looking alarmed, and then, “what have you done?” She asked, suspiciously.
“Me? Nothing!” Rohan was full of indignation.
“Then what’s the matter?”
“It’s just…the’th wandering around the yard, talking to herthelf” Rohan looked pleased to have got that off his mind, but also concerned.
India frowned more deeply still and thought about this for a moment.
“Come on, we’d better go an see what’s happening” She announced.
Rohan padded after her, out into the yard, only too pleased to have shifted responsibility for this problem onto his older playmate.
Once out in the yard, Mom could be seen at the far end, one arm outstretched, talking quite loudly.
“Perhaps she’s talking to the goats, or maybe the sheep?” India suggested as she sat and observed.
Rohan plonked himself down beside her and listened for a while.
“It doethn’t thound like thomething you would thay to the goatth” He commented.
“No, you’re right” India nodded, much to Rohan’s amazement, “it doesn’t.” She thought for a while, before, “You know, I think I’ve seen this before”
“What happened?” Rohan asked, “did they have to go to the Vet’th?” He suggested, gloomily.
“Of course not!” India snapped, “people don’t go to the Vet’s”
“There were loadth of people there when I went latht time” Rohan pointed out.
“Yes, but they would have been there with their animals. People don’t go to the Vet’s, they go to a Doctor”
“What’th the differenth?” Rohan asked, reasonably. India thought, furiously, about this for a while. Eventually,
“You don’t have to pay at a Doctor’s” She said, delighted to have thought of a difference.
“Why do you have to pay at a Vet’th?”
“Well, that’s obvious!” India snorted, “we’re clearly very valuable, so it’s very expensive to make sure we stay well”
“And they’re not valuable?” Rohan nodded toward Mom, in the distance, still talking to her outstretched hand.
India looked at him for a while, and then shrugged (which is very difficult for a dog to do).
“Anyway,” She said, “I’ve seen this before”
“Tho, what happened?”
“Well, nothing really. It stopped after a bit. It’s something to do with that thing she’s got in her hand”
Rohan and India peered into the distance. Dogs’ eyesight isn’t anywhere near as sensitive as their sense of smell, but they could just about make out the dim outline of something in Mom’ hand.
“What ith it?”
“Well, it’s that thing she sometimes stares at. You know, it lights up every now and then and sometimes makes a noise. Whenever she looks at it, she either gets cross, and says a rude word, or sometimes she laughs”
“Oh, yeth. Flynn’th got one ath well”
“That’s right! Packham, who was here before me, he used to say that it was something they could use to see and talk to people who were a long way away”
“Like Flynn’th telethcope?” Rohan suggested.
“Well, no, not exactly” India frowned with the effort of thinking. “You can’t talk to people through a telescope”
“Otherwithe you could talk to the Man in the Moon” Rohan grinned.
“There isn’t a Man in the Moon” India snapped.
“There ith!” Rohan said, indignantly, “I’ve theen hith fathe!”
“Fathe? Oh, face!” India chuckled, “it’s not a face”
“Lookth like one” Rohan said, grumpily.
“It’s not a face! It’s other things like…like…mountains!” India dredged that up from something Flynn had told her ages ago.
“Don’t be thilly!” Rohan giggled and rolled on the floor, ”how would you get thomething ath big ath a mountain on thomething ath tiny ath the Moon?”
“It’s not tiny, it’s…oh, never mind!” India shook her head, despairingly, “Anyway, if Packham was right, she’s talking to someone who is a long way away”
“Ith that why the’s thouting?”
“I suppose so” India conceded.
“Do you think we thould go and thee if the’th alright?”
“Yes, that would be a good plan” India nodded, and set off across the yard, with Rohan in hot pursuit.
“Oh, and here are our dogs here at TURN!” Mom announced to the thing in her hand, “hello lovely boy and lovely girl!” She scratched Rohan’s head with one hand whilst the other pointed the thing at the two dogs.
“Who did the thay that to?” Rohan asked, rolling over to get his tummy tickled.
“No idea!” India admitted, bustling in to get her chest rubbed.
“Are you thure the won’t have to go to the Vet’th?”
“Shush! I’m listening” India cocked her head to one side and listened intently. “Ah, now I think I know!” She smiled and looked very superior.
“What?” Rohan looked perplexed.
“She’s not just talking to one person, she’s talking to lots of them! She’s doing it so that they don’t all have to come here to see us”
“Aww!” Rohan complained, “how can I lick them and get cuddleth if they’re not here?”
“Not everyone wants to be licked by you!” India said, sharply.
“Yeth, they do” Rohan said, confidently.
“Well, anyway, it’s not a very big place, so if everyone came to see us, at the same time, there wouldn’t be room for everyone, would there?”
“Humph!” Rohan grumbled.
“Well, would there?” India raised one eyebrow.
“Thuppothe not” Rohan conceded, testily.
“So, this is a way for lots of people to get to see TURN and all of us here”
“Through that thing?”
“Yes” India nodded.
“Tho, if I licked that thing, I’d be licking loadth of people?”
“Erm, yes, I suppose so” India agreed, uncertainly.
“Right, I’m going to lick it!” Rohan bounded over toward Mom.
“Rohan!” India shouted, “Don’t! You’ll get in such trouble!”
“Rohan! Down!” Mom commanded, and Rohan dropped to his paws instantly. “What’s the matter with you, you great soft licky thing?” She said in a softer tone.
“I told you!” India shook her head, sadly, as Rohan made his way back to her.
“Didn’t get in trouble though, did I?” He said, with a smirk.
“You didn’t lick it, either” India pointed out.
“I’ll get it when the’th not looking, later” Rohan grinned.
“You’re impossible!” India frowned.
“Thank you!” Rohan smiled, broadly.
“It’s not a compliment!”
“Come on, let’th go and lick a few duckth” Rohan bounded away across the yard.
“They don’t want to be licked…oh, I give up!” India sighed, as she lolloped after him.
You can see the video that Mom was making, and get a full virtual tour of TURN Education in the process (including India and Rohan), by following this link 😊
Don’t forget, you can buy the first book of ‘Waggy Dog Tales’, featuring Packham and India, and help support TURN Education. Just follow this link and read the instructions on the pinned post.
Saturday, 20 March 2021
Don't Ask Me! I've No Idea.
The Chronicles of a Young Lady (and her Maid)
I've no idea how this happened, or, for that matter, why? All I know is that I had this snatch of dialogue going around in my head. Now,from past experience, I can do one of two things in this situation. Either (a) ignore it and hope it will go away - which it eventually will as my memory leaves a lot to be desired, or (b) commit it to paper and possibly do something with it in the future. I plumped for Option B, which is why we are where we are.
The really odd thing is that this snatch of dialogue related to an imaginary situation which could not be further from my usual literary inclinations if it tried. I never read historical fiction. I have little or no interest in historical fiction. So, what was this piece of dialogue about? It concerned a young noblewoman watching her betrothed riding off to battle whilst her maid busied herself in the background. Why would I be imagining anything so substantially removed from my comfort zone? It beats me!
However, there we were. It started like this:
"The young Lady stared wistfully out of the window in the castle walls, a slight breeze ruffled her finery.
“He looks so gallant, doesn’t he?” She said, to the room at large.
“Very nicely turned out, yes miss” The old lady, bustling around behind her, agreed.
“He’s using my scarf as his pennant, you know?” The young Lady said, with pride.
“Hmmm, bright orange eh? I should think the enemy will see him coming for miles”
“And he will strike fear into their hearts!” The young Lady said, loyally.
“If you say so, miss”
“I do say so! And he will return victorious and bring glory to our House”
“Like I say, if you say so, miss”
“Don’t you think he will be victorious?” The young Lady asked, suspiciously.
“Put it this way, the lads in the kitchen have him at 20 – 1, which I reckon is bit on the generous side. Still, who knows, eh?”"
And I was hooked! I needed to know what happened next! You see, I don't take a wonderfully professional approach to writing. I know that, those who know what they're doing, plot their stories down to a fine detail in advance, and then flesh out this skeleton. I, on the other hand, start writing in the same way as I would read a story, from the beginning, and wait to see how it develops. It was obvious that the young Lady had a hopelessly romantic view of chivalry and warfare whereas the Maid and the staff of the House clearly had a more level-headed approach. I thought it would be interesting to see how these characters might cope with their world being turned upside down, so that's what happened.
Twenty four episodes later, I decided that the story had run its course for the time being. Each episode had featured on ABCtales but I know that not everyone is happy to stick with a story that stretches over days and weeks, and I can understand that. I have difficulty remembering a plot if I've only put a book down for an hour or two! Therefore, I decided to put the full story into book form and that's why we are where we are.
'The Chronicles of a Young Lady (and her Maid)' is the end result and is available now as a Kindle e-book and will shortly be available as a paperback. This is the blurb for it:
"When a young noble lady's betrothed rides off to battle, she has high
hopes of his triumphant return, unlike her Maid who expects him to last
five minutes! To save themselves from a fate worse than death, the
Young Lady and her Maid run for their lives (amongst other things) and
so starts a set of comic adventures involving a lascivious watchman, a
flamboyant sea captain, a vindictive Sergeant at Arms, a Parson and a
couple of bailiffs.
Philip Whiteland takes you on this whirlwind fictional tour of the distant past with plenty of laughs and smiles along the way."
Why not take a look? You might just like it!
The Chronicles of a Young Lady (and her Maid)
Monday, 23 November 2020
A Waggy Dog Story!
I usually aim to have a book ready to publish in time for Christmas and this year is no exception. However, there are a few exceptions to the norm this year (well, there would be, this being 2020 and everything).
Firstly, the book this year is available in paperback only (so it makes a great stocking-filler present, always assuming you want your stockings filled?) Secondly, it's a collection of fictional short stories, as opposed to my usual diet of humorous nostalgia (which I call 'nostalgedy' even if no-one else does) and thirdly, this is a book aimed at children rather than adults (although I'm convinced that more than a few adults will enjoy the jokes and situations).
I think the simplest thing would be for me to quote from the book's blurb:
"A collection of amusing and heart-warming stories about Packham and India, the two dogs at TURN Education. Although written for children, we strongly expect quite a few adults will enjoy the jokes and situations that arise as Packham and India try to make sense of their world. Starting from when India was just a puppy and learning the ropes (although she always had the measure of Packham) through to them moving to the smallholding where they, and the rest of the animals, now live. Finally, coming up to date and introducing some familiar faces around TURN.
All profits from the sale of this collection go to TURN Education to help with their remarkable animal -related therapy work with children, young people and their families.
Sadly, after a brief and entirely unexpected illness, Packham passed away just as this book was being finalised for publication. Caroline insisted that this book should still be published in memory of Packham and to celebrate his life, and the joy and love he brought to everyone who knew him.
This is for Packham."
15 stories in 155 pages for just £4.99! Makes a great Christmas present. You can buy it from Amazon at http://mybook.to/WaggyDogTales and we would be delighted if you did BUT of the £4.99 cover price, Amazon take £4.25, which is fair enough as they do all of the printing and distribution, but doesn't leave a lot left to donate to TURN Education (you can find out more about TURN at www.turneducation.co.uk) Whereas, if you buy directly from me, £2.40 per copy at least goes to TURN (the rest goes to Amazon).
To get your copy, email me at:
wag@philwhiteland.co.uk
and, to prove that there are some things in this life that are free, follow the link below to see and hear me read the title story:
Sunday, 20 September 2020
One Page Won't Do!
Way back in the music history of the 1980s, a lady called Audrey Hall had a one-hit-wonder with a song called 'One Dance Won't Do'. You may remember it? If not, you can find it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pbWf5tb_CA
I've come to the conclusion that I can sympathise with her! Not in terms of dancing, one dance with me would be more than enough for anyone! No, I'm thinking, instead, about readers and, in particular, a couple who have recently read just one page of my latest tome.
You may be surprised to learn that authors who have books listed under the Kindle Unlimited programme can see how many pages of each book have been read on a daily basis. As I spend my waking hours pathetically checking the orders for my books and pages read (usually '0' on both counts), I'm always pleased to see a number come up under the Pages Read heading and then wait to see if that number advances, which would indicate someone is steadily reading (and hopefully enjoying) said book.
However, twice in the past week or so, the Pages Read total for my latest book has shown '1' and then resolutely failed to show any increase thereafter. Which begs the question 'Who, in their right senses, reads just one page of a book?' Moreover, this presumably is the Title Page! I began to wonder if I had completely lost the plot and whether, instead of putting
Grave Expectations
as I had intended, I had instead put
Naff Off And Don't Come Back Again!
but I've checked and this doesn't appear to be the case. So, I'm at a loss. I can't, for the life of me, see what can be so completely off-putting about the Title Page that two readers, to date, have got thus far and no further!
Perhaps you would like to see what you think? You don't even have to risk 99p in the endeavour. You can 'Look Inside' on the Amazon book page or, if you're a member of Kindle Unlimited, you can read the whole thing for FREE (and I can follow the pages read, which doesn't sound much but keeps me amused)
You can find the book that two people couldn't bring themselves to read, here:
and you can hear a sample story, here:
https://youtu.be/2cDx-YyzkRg
Thursday, 17 September 2020
Introducing Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble
I've recently been taking a break from writing my usual 'nostalgedy' stories about growing up in Burton upon Trent in the 1950s and 1960s to return to my first love of writing humorous fiction. In particular, I've thoroughly enjoyed writing stories about my pair of hapless Undertakers, Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble of Oakshott and Underwood. These stories have now been collected in two Kindle books, as follows:
A Dubious Undertaking and other stories -
the first collection of stories about Josiah and Archibald
http://getbook.at/ADubiousUndertaking
A selection of darkly humorous tales about two hapless undertakers,
Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble, and the troubles that befall them
and their clients. Also, some stories about two precocious children
you really wouldn't want to tangle with - Peregrine and Prudence. If
you want to know who blew up the crematorium, why Mrs Anderby had an
unfortunate encounter with some potting compost and how an Anti-Santa
found himself in captivity, you could do a lot worse than read this
book! If you like your humour slightly dark and rather silly, then this
is the tome for you.
Grave Expectations - the further misadventures of
Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble
http://getbook.at/graveexpectations
The second book featuring Josiah and Archibald and this time all the stories are about their misadventures dealing with irate mourners, V.E. Day, social bubbles, unexpected musical tracks at cremations, the difficulties of 'staying alert', pub reopening, face masks, promotion, dismissal, pyres for Viking chieftains, the oedipus complex, feuding fiancees, personnel management and office romance. All this and the pandemic too!
and you can enjoy the title story of 'A Dubious Undertaking' for FREE by watching this:
https://youtu.be/2cDx-YyzkRg








