From time to time, I let my Undertakers comment on topical issues.
This is one of those times 😉
Archibald Thurble took a deep
breath, attempted to straighten his permanently lopsided jacket, gave up the
unequal struggle and knocked smartly on the door of his employer.
“Come!” Josiah Oakshott intoned from
the other side of the door.
Archibald peered around the door,
as if expecting to be set upon by some unseen dark force. Satisfied that the coast was clear, he
shambled forward to the desk, on which Josiah appeared to be making a series of
important notes. The fact that this was
actually his shopping list and that, apparently occupying himself with some
important document or other, was a device that Josiah had long utilised to
reinforce the pecking order when entertaining guests in his office, was something
that Josiah intended to keep firmly to himself.
“Ah, Archibald!” Josiah glanced
up from his apparently meticulous notes, at his employee, who took this as an
indication to slide toward the chair opposite, “no, there’s no need to sit, Archibald,
I won’t detain you for more than a moment” Josiah said, sharply.
Archibald, somewhat discomfited,
aborted his manoeuvre and stood, tugging at the sleeves of his jacket. Josiah completed his writing and looked up.
“Thank you for coming to see me
so promptly, Archibald…”
“No problem, Mr. O.”
“I’m delighted to hear it.”
Josiah gave a weak smile, “Archibald, I’ve called you in today because I must
inform you that I will not require you to provide pall-bearing duties today or,
for that matter, the rest of this week”
“You what, Mr. O.?” Archibald looked more than usually puzzled.
“By which, I mean” Josiah sighed,
heavily, “that you will not be required to be involved in any customer-facing
duties for the remainder of this week”
“Well, I don’t usually face them,
Mr. O., on account of I’m driving and they’re in the back!” Archibald
protested.
“It’s just an expression,
Archibald. Not to be taken
literally. It means that I do not want
you to be involved with our clients, in any capacity, this week. Is that clear?”
“Oh, right” Archibald’s bottom
lip quivered a little. “Any particular reason, Mr. O.?”
“Well, I would have thought that
would have been perfectly obvious” Josiah snapped.
Archibald frowned in
concentration as he attempted to figure that particular conundrum out. After a considering a number of
possibilities, each more unlikely than the other, he gave up and said,
“No”
Josiah sighed again, shook his
head and explained,
“It is apparent to me, Archibald,
that you have been engaging in fisticuffs!”
“Come again, Mr. O.?”
“You appear to have been
fighting, Archibald”
“What makes you think that then,
Mr. O.?” Archibald looked perplexed.
“Well, the two black eyes, the
swollen and bruised nose and the cut upper lip were something of a giveaway”
Josiah pointed out, sarcastically.
“Oh, right, and you think I’ve
been brawling!” Archibald chuckled.
“Well, haven’t you?”
“Nah, I’ve never had a fight in
my life!” Archibald grinned, “this isn’t from fighting, it’s from drumming!”
“Drumming? Really?
I had no idea it was such a dangerous occupation!”
“It isn’t, most of the time,”
Archibald conceded, “it’s just…I can’t afford to have proper drumming lessons,
see?”
“Yes, I’m with you so far” Josiah
nodded, cautiously.
“So, I’m having to follow these
videos what you can get online. There’s
loads of ‘em by all these blokes. It’s
mostly blokes and they’re usually American” Archibald explained, “They’ve
usually got shaved heads and look like someone you wouldn’t want to meet down a
dark alley but, any road, they all reckon they can turn you into a genius
drummer if you just do this exercise, or that, or summat else, for five minutes
a day”
“And how does this relate to
your…” Josiah vaguely indicated Archibald’s facial injuries.
“Ah yeah, well I was coming to
that” Archibald nodded, “there was this one exercise what involved doing summat
really tricky by crossing your hands over so as how you were hitting stuff with
your right hand what you would usually hit with your left and the other way
about, if you get my drift?”
“I think I follow” Josiah nodded.
“Well, like I’ve said before, I
get my left and right mixed up sometimes” Archibald blushed a little, “and this
exercise what he had us doing was a bit complex, and you had to do it pretty
sharpish otherwise it sounded like nothing on earth”
“I can well believe it” Josiah
smiled, thinly.
“So, I’m trying to follow what he
reckons we should be doing, only I get totally confused and I only finish up
with one drumstick clouting me in the face and the other shoved up me left
nostril, don’t I?” Archibald looked suitably downcast.
“I er, I can see how that might
be somewhat unfortunate” Josiah sympathised, whilst trying to suppress a
chuckle.
“I don’t reckon I’m going to do
any more of his lessons, life’s too short” Archibald shook his head, sadly.
“Nevertheless, it is commendable
that you have applied yourself to your studies in such a fashion” Josiah
consoled him, “I’m sure you will find a mentor that better suits your
particular learning style”
“Well, I hope so, Mr. O.”
Archibald sighed, “’cause I was trying to get a few tricky bits under my belt,
on account of how we might have this gig coming up”
“This would be your ensemble
‘Dead Set’, I take it?”
“Yeah, that’s right” Archibald
grinned, with some difficulty given his injuries.
“I would have thought that,
accepting a ‘gig’ of any description, might a something of a triumph of hope
over experience, given that, as you previously informed me, your little ‘beat
combo’ only know one song, and that imperfectly?”
“Well, that’s why I was practicing
with them videos” Archibald pointed out, “’cause I was hoping to get at least a
couple more tunes under me belt”
“Laudable though that may be, I
would severely doubt that three tunes in all would be sufficient to warrant a
live appearance?”
“Well, it’s not like it’s owt
professional” Archibald shook his head, “it’s just a “work event”” He framed
the words with the forefingers of both hands and grinned broadly.
“Is it some form of naked puppet
show?” Josiah looked suitably puzzled.
“Nah!” Archibald giggled, “I mean
“work event”, like someone’s party! You
know, it’s what everyone’s saying now… since that business at No. 10”
“Oh, now I understand” Josiah
nodded, “you are referring to the unfortunate events that are alleged to have
occurred in Downing Street during the recent pandemic restrictions?”
“Yeah, that’s it! It ain’t right, is it Mr. O.?”
“I make it a practice never to
discuss politics in the workplace, Archibald”
“Well, yeah but, what with
parties for someone leaving, parties for someone getting the push, birthday
parties and ‘bring your own bottle’ parties, I reckon they’ve had more parties
in a few months than I’ve had in my whole life!”
“It would appear that there was a
somewhat erm, jovial and relaxed atmosphere pervading” Josiah steepled his
fingers and rested his chin on the result.
“And, on top of that, while they
were having it large down in Downing Street, I’d got a bloke threatening to
punch my lights out because he couldn’t have a ruck of people at his Mam’s
funeral”
“Ah yes, you are referring to the
unfortunate Mr. Blunt (see ‘From A
Distance’) who had anticipated a large family gathering for his
mother’s funeral but found he was restricted to six mourners” Josiah
remembered, with a visible shudder.
“Ar, that’s him! And you remember how you were all stressed
out ‘cause you thought you might have to get some bouncers on account of the
chance of hundreds of people turning up for funerals and you getting fined for it?”
(see ‘The Thin
Black Line’)
“I would acknowledge that these
alleged gatherings would tend to grate, somewhat, with those of us who endured
considerable privations whilst adhering to the restrictions appertaining at the
time” Josiah mused.
“Me Nan’s fit to be tied! She says she didn’t go for months without
being able to go to ‘The King of Prussia’ just so that they could get rat…”
Josiah looked at him,
quizzically.
“Erm, a bit merry?” Archibald
suggested, lamely.
“Yes, I take her point. However, none of this is currently proven and
I understand that the matter is being probed by the relevant law enforcement
authorities. Nevertheless, leaving all
this to one side, we must address your facial injuries”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that Mr.
O.” Archibald looked crestfallen.
“Do not concern yourself,
Archibald, I’m satisfied that your injuries are not the consequence of
misconduct on your part”
“Yeah but, I don’t suppose you
want me out there with the punters, do you?”
“I would prefer the term
‘clients’, Archibald. However, you are
correct in your assumption. Regardless of the origin of your injuries, our
clients might well arrive at the same, albeit erroneous, conclusion as I
did. Therefore, I must, regrettably,
‘confine you to barracks’ for the remainder of the week” Josiah made the same
‘inverted comma’ motions with his hands, that Archibald had made previously.
“Hey, now you’re doing the naked
puppet show thing!” Archibald chuckled.
“Yes, indeed.” Josiah frowned at
his hands, “That is a habit I must shed with some alacrity! For the rest of the week, you will focus on
your duties within our workshop. That
will be all, for now, Archibald” Josiah returned to his shopping list.
Archibald nodded and set off for
the office door, until a thought occurred to him.
"It makes you think,
dunnit?" He suggested.
Josiah paused his notation,
lifted his head and raised a speculative eyebrow.
"In what way would that be,
Archibald?"
"Well, if they were that
sloshed all the time, how did they ever get owt done? I mean, running
the country and all that?"
"On the contrary,
Archibald" Josiah returned to his writing, "I rather think it
explains a great deal!"
“Hey up, now there’s no
restrictions to speak of, is there any chance we might have a ‘work event’ here,
Mr. O.?” He winked broadly.
“I think we see quite enough of
each other, within a work setting, Archibald, without further expanding our
horizons” Josiah said, determinedly, without looking up from his notes.
“Right you are, Mr. O.” Archibald
grinned and headed off to his restricted duties.
You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald in the two collections of their stories, available in Kindle format, "A Dubious Undertaking and other stories" and "Grave Expectations"