A Decade of Grannys!

It only occurred to me the other day that this year constitutes the tenth year since my granny was let loose on an unsuspecting public!

To clarify, it was back in 2005 that I put together a collection of articles and musings, mostly about growing up in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, collectively titled 'Steady Past Your Granny's', which I then published via a Daily Mail offer (see image on left above).  Actually, published might be too strong a word, as I could only afford to have 20 (or it might have been 30, I'm not too clear on this) copies printed at £5 per copy.  Having foisted most of these on my patient and supportive relatives and friends, I then went berserk in 2006 and had a new edition desktop-published and printed (200 + copies) which could be sold in bookshops.  The image on the right (above) shows me at my first and only book signing at Ottakar's in Burton upon Trent (now Waterstone's).  The paperback version is still available and can be ordered through your friendly local book shop (there are some useful links on iAuthor) or through Amazon (follow this link, but you may have to pester them for it)

You can now find the Radio Derby interview that I did just prior to the book signing on You Tube

Having sold most of those, and with my usual speedy decision-making, in 2011 I uploaded the book to Amazon Kindle (Find it here) and Smashwords (here).  Now available (23.07.15) on Google Play Books

I wish I knew then what I know now!  At that time, I was pretty naive about e-books and therefore assumed that my average initial sales of over 40 copies per day, were par for the course.  I wasn't even over-excited when it reached 228 in the overall Amazon UK chart (I would be now).

There's a more in-depth account of my self-publishing journey in my blog post 'Booked Up' 

So, here we are, me and my granny ten years later, and we would both like to thank the more than 6,000 readers who have been kind enough to purchase the book (it's never been free, and never will be).  Thanks also to all of those who have taken the time to leave reviews.  Over the ten years, my granny has been joined by a motley collection of ducks

Crutches for Ducks

pantry doors

A Kick at the Pantry Door

and bulls

Giving a Bull Strawberries

but it's my granny that continues to outsell all of them, and long may that continue.

Thanks to everyone, from me, and my granny :-)

Not quite a gardening column!

My little fluffy white cloud has just achieved a new altitude record!

This is the second (and probably last) of my columns for the Derby Telegraph. Check out the byline and the photo - I feel like a professional (a professional what is, of course, another question)

See the article on the Derby Telegraph website here

Watch out, Nelson, I've got my own column!

Ok, ok, it's only for a couple of weeks (at the most) whilst the Editor's on holiday but, when your all-time heroes are Alan Coren, Keith Waterhouse, Miles Kington and Jeffrey Bernard, then this is the culmination of a long-held ambition.

Low-flying aircraft are warned to take diversionary action as the author is currently sitting on a little cloud with a broad smile on his face :-)

See the article on the Derby Telegraph website here

Giving a Bull Five Stars!

Yet another wonderful review for the latest compilation of stories in the 'nostalgedy' collection.

RLB writes:

"This is the fourth book by this author that I have read and I think it is the best. It was enjoyable to hear all the stories about the different cruises he went on and the funny situations Philip and his wife found themselves in. It was also very nice to see all the photographs included in the book.
There was also funny stories about rail travel, and coach travel, one horrifying story that I could not believe people would do, is crossing a motorway on foot to get to their coach the on the other side (one of the party was in a wheelchair) they crossed safely. Unlikely that this could be done in today's traffic.
The title of the book "Giving A Bull Strawberries" I know that saying as "Giving A Donkey Strawberries" an interesting twist in different parts of the country. This is a lovely book."

You can see the original review here: - http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R6LZ28RC127XX/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00U654KG4

A Line About Clothes

Philip (first on left) displaying his innate fashion sense with some like-minded pals

With the usual caveat about not taking anything I write too seriously...

Is there anything more pointless than a man, trailing after his significant other, in a ladies-wear shop?

This question, amongst others, occurred to me yesterday when I was doing just that.  Don't get me wrong, I really don't mind this as an occasional occupation.  It gives me the chance to observe and look around me blankly.  I'm quite good at this.  People often say to me, "what is it you're thinking about?" and refuse to believe me when I say "nothing".  They can't accept it, but I am quite capable of just standing and staring.  Walt Whitman would have been proud of me.

Anyway, back to my original contention.  Other than providing moral support, I really don't see what is to be gained from having us in tow.  We tend to stand there looking lost and not a little forlorn.  One enterprising chap yesterday had brought along the Sunday papers and had arranged these along his forearm, like a sort of lectern, and was attempting to leaf through these as he trailed after his partner.  It did mean that he had a tendency to bump into things as he went along, but you had to applaud the attempt to gain something from the experience.

You see, in my opinion, we're not really there to do anything.  When I was young and foolish (well, considerably more foolish than I am now anyway) I had a tendency to make suggestions.  Actually, I could have put that better.  I realise that makes it sound as if I hung around the Changing Rooms with a bag of sweets and a disconcerting leer.  What I meant was that I used to venture an occasional opinion.  I quickly realised that this was not my purpose as I was invariably wrong.  Well-meaning suggestions were dismissed out of hand or regarded as tantamount to an insult.  

Ambivalence or, if the occasion calls for it, enthusiastic positivity are the name of the game.  As time goes by, you become reasonably adept at spotting whether the prospective purchaser is (a) just going through the motions and is not really interested (cue ambivalence) or (b) quite keen but needs confirmation (cue enthusiastic positivity).  Responding to (a) with enthusiastic positivity will only cause trouble.  At best, you will be seen as an idiot without any taste whatsoever, whose opinions can and should be discarded.  At worst, you will prompt the purchase of said item, which will be hated from the moment it arrives home and either promptly returned or left hanging in some dark, forgotten corner of the wardrobe as a silent reproach.  In either event, you will not be allowed to forget it.

Oddly enough, the opposite situation works in an entirely different manner.  If you are shopping for clothes and your loved one is with you, they are quite likely to have strong opinions and may even take over the whole process.  Frankly, I'm quite relaxed about this.  I hate shopping for clothes etc. and will put off the evil day until there really isn't any alternative.  Mens' clothes and accessories are impossible to get excited about. Take shoes for example.  If you're not a big fan of either black or brown, then you might as well give up. Trousers, shirts and tops have more options but here we have a tendency to buy things that either correspond to how we used to look or how we would like to look.  For example, today I saw a cheesecloth-type shirt with rolled up sleeves.  Beside it was a picture of a slim, designer-stubbled, handsome male model wearing said shirt and I realised that, in my mind, that was how I would like to look and that was why I was attracted to the shirt.  The reality of me ever wearing anything like this would be too awful to contemplate.  I might have got away with it forty years ago, although I doubt it would have done me any favours even then.  Partners tend to guide us gently away from such fashion faux-pas.

Perhaps we need a male creche?  Somewhere we could be left with a good book or today's newspaper so that we don't clutter up the shop but within sight of the shopper so that we can give a blank look or vigorous nod, as required, whenever necessary.  I commend the idea to the house.  Well, to the lady of the house :-)

Philip's latest compilation of stories and musings, 'Giving a Bull Strawberries' is now on sale at Amazon Kindle for just 99p or equivalent.

More Praise for the Strawberry Bull!

Delighted to have received yet another cracking review for 'Giving a Bull Strawberries' - the brand new compilation of my 'nostalgedy' stories.

"Charming

This is the first of the nostalgedy collection I have read - and it was good. Probably not the kind of book that you would sit down and devour feverishly in one sitting, but one that you would pick up and fall into, comfortably, chapter by chapter, having a wee quiet chuckle as you did so. Charming."

Thank you, Rosemary!

You can find the review here: Charming

If you haven't read 'Giving a Bull Strawberries' yet, what's keeping you?
Enjoy a few chuckles for just 99p.

The Strawberry Bull makes the Papers!

Giving a Bull Strawberries, the brand new compilation of 'nostalgedy' stories, has been featured in the Derby Telegraph:

to read the full review, just follow the link below:

Derby Telegraph Review