From time to time, I let my Undertakers comment on topical issues.
This is one of those times 😉
Archibald Thurble took a deep breath, attempted to straighten his permanently lopsided jacket, gave up the unequal struggle and knocked smartly on the door of his employer.
“Come!” Josiah Oakshott intoned from the other side of the door.
Archibald peered around the door, as if expecting to be set upon by some unseen dark force. Satisfied that the coast was clear, he shambled forward to the desk, on which Josiah appeared to be making a series of important notes. The fact that this was actually his shopping list and that, apparently occupying himself with some important document or other, was a device that Josiah had long utilised to reinforce the pecking order when entertaining guests in his office, was something that Josiah intended to keep firmly to himself.
“Ah, Archibald!” Josiah glanced up from his apparently meticulous notes, at his employee, who took this as an indication to slide toward the chair opposite, “no, there’s no need to sit, Archibald, I won’t detain you for more than a moment” Josiah said, sharply.
Archibald, somewhat discomfited, aborted his manoeuvre and stood, tugging at the sleeves of his jacket. Josiah completed his writing and looked up.
“Thank you for coming to see me so promptly, Archibald…”
“No problem, Mr. O.”
“I’m delighted to hear it.” Josiah gave a weak smile, “Archibald, I’ve called you in today because I must inform you that I will not require you to provide pall-bearing duties today or, for that matter, the rest of this week”
“You what, Mr. O.?” Archibald looked more than usually puzzled.
“By which, I mean” Josiah sighed, heavily, “that you will not be required to be involved in any customer-facing duties for the remainder of this week”
“Well, I don’t usually face them, Mr. O., on account of I’m driving and they’re in the back!” Archibald protested.
“It’s just an expression, Archibald. Not to be taken literally. It means that I do not want you to be involved with our clients, in any capacity, this week. Is that clear?”
“Oh, right” Archibald’s bottom lip quivered a little. “Any particular reason, Mr. O.?”
“Well, I would have thought that would have been perfectly obvious” Josiah snapped.
Archibald frowned in concentration as he attempted to figure that particular conundrum out. After a considering a number of possibilities, each more unlikely than the other, he gave up and said,
“No”
Josiah sighed again, shook his head and explained,
“It is apparent to me, Archibald, that you have been engaging in fisticuffs!”
“Come again, Mr. O.?”
“You appear to have been fighting, Archibald”
“What makes you think that then, Mr. O.?” Archibald looked perplexed.
“Well, the two black eyes, the swollen and bruised nose and the cut upper lip were something of a giveaway” Josiah pointed out, sarcastically.
“Oh, right, and you think I’ve been brawling!” Archibald chuckled.
“Well, haven’t you?”
“Nah, I’ve never had a fight in my life!” Archibald grinned, “this isn’t from fighting, it’s from drumming!”
“Drumming? Really? I had no idea it was such a dangerous occupation!”
“It isn’t, most of the time,” Archibald conceded, “it’s just…I can’t afford to have proper drumming lessons, see?”
“Yes, I’m with you so far” Josiah nodded, cautiously.
“So, I’m having to follow these videos what you can get online. There’s loads of ‘em by all these blokes. It’s mostly blokes and they’re usually American” Archibald explained, “They’ve usually got shaved heads and look like someone you wouldn’t want to meet down a dark alley but, any road, they all reckon they can turn you into a genius drummer if you just do this exercise, or that, or summat else, for five minutes a day”
“And how does this relate to your…” Josiah vaguely indicated Archibald’s facial injuries.
“Ah yeah, well I was coming to that” Archibald nodded, “there was this one exercise what involved doing summat really tricky by crossing your hands over so as how you were hitting stuff with your right hand what you would usually hit with your left and the other way about, if you get my drift?”
“I think I follow” Josiah nodded.
“Well, like I’ve said before, I get my left and right mixed up sometimes” Archibald blushed a little, “and this exercise what he had us doing was a bit complex, and you had to do it pretty sharpish otherwise it sounded like nothing on earth”
“I can well believe it” Josiah smiled, thinly.
“So, I’m trying to follow what he reckons we should be doing, only I get totally confused and I only finish up with one drumstick clouting me in the face and the other shoved up me left nostril, don’t I?” Archibald looked suitably downcast.
“I er, I can see how that might be somewhat unfortunate” Josiah sympathised, whilst trying to suppress a chuckle.
“I don’t reckon I’m going to do any more of his lessons, life’s too short” Archibald shook his head, sadly.
“Nevertheless, it is commendable that you have applied yourself to your studies in such a fashion” Josiah consoled him, “I’m sure you will find a mentor that better suits your particular learning style”
“Well, I hope so, Mr. O.” Archibald sighed, “’cause I was trying to get a few tricky bits under my belt, on account of how we might have this gig coming up”
“This would be your ensemble ‘Dead Set’, I take it?”
“Yeah, that’s right” Archibald grinned, with some difficulty given his injuries.
“I would have thought that, accepting a ‘gig’ of any description, might a something of a triumph of hope over experience, given that, as you previously informed me, your little ‘beat combo’ only know one song, and that imperfectly?”
“Well, that’s why I was practicing with them videos” Archibald pointed out, “’cause I was hoping to get at least a couple more tunes under me belt”
“Laudable though that may be, I would severely doubt that three tunes in all would be sufficient to warrant a live appearance?”
“Well, it’s not like it’s owt professional” Archibald shook his head, “it’s just a “work event”” He framed the words with the forefingers of both hands and grinned broadly.
“Is it some form of naked puppet show?” Josiah looked suitably puzzled.
“Nah!” Archibald giggled, “I mean “work event”, like someone’s party! You know, it’s what everyone’s saying now… since that business at No. 10”
“Oh, now I understand” Josiah nodded, “you are referring to the unfortunate events that are alleged to have occurred in Downing Street during the recent pandemic restrictions?”
“Yeah, that’s it! It ain’t right, is it Mr. O.?”
“I make it a practice never to discuss politics in the workplace, Archibald”
“Well, yeah but, what with parties for someone leaving, parties for someone getting the push, birthday parties and ‘bring your own bottle’ parties, I reckon they’ve had more parties in a few months than I’ve had in my whole life!”
“It would appear that there was a somewhat erm, jovial and relaxed atmosphere pervading” Josiah steepled his fingers and rested his chin on the result.
“And, on top of that, while they were having it large down in Downing Street, I’d got a bloke threatening to punch my lights out because he couldn’t have a ruck of people at his Mam’s funeral”
“Ah yes, you are referring to the unfortunate Mr. Blunt (see ‘From A Distance’) who had anticipated a large family gathering for his mother’s funeral but found he was restricted to six mourners” Josiah remembered, with a visible shudder.
“Ar, that’s him! And you remember how you were all stressed out ‘cause you thought you might have to get some bouncers on account of the chance of hundreds of people turning up for funerals and you getting fined for it?” (see ‘The Thin Black Line’)
“I would acknowledge that these alleged gatherings would tend to grate, somewhat, with those of us who endured considerable privations whilst adhering to the restrictions appertaining at the time” Josiah mused.
“Me Nan’s fit to be tied! She says she didn’t go for months without being able to go to ‘The King of Prussia’ just so that they could get rat…”
Josiah looked at him, quizzically.
“Erm, a bit merry?” Archibald suggested, lamely.
“Yes, I take her point. However, none of this is currently proven and I understand that the matter is being probed by the relevant law enforcement authorities. Nevertheless, leaving all this to one side, we must address your facial injuries”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that Mr. O.” Archibald looked crestfallen.
“Do not concern yourself, Archibald, I’m satisfied that your injuries are not the consequence of misconduct on your part”
“Yeah but, I don’t suppose you want me out there with the punters, do you?”
“I would prefer the term ‘clients’, Archibald. However, you are correct in your assumption. Regardless of the origin of your injuries, our clients might well arrive at the same, albeit erroneous, conclusion as I did. Therefore, I must, regrettably, ‘confine you to barracks’ for the remainder of the week” Josiah made the same ‘inverted comma’ motions with his hands, that Archibald had made previously.
“Hey, now you’re doing the naked puppet show thing!” Archibald chuckled.
“Yes, indeed.” Josiah frowned at his hands, “That is a habit I must shed with some alacrity! For the rest of the week, you will focus on your duties within our workshop. That will be all, for now, Archibald” Josiah returned to his shopping list.
Archibald nodded and set off for the office door, until a thought occurred to him.
"It makes you think, dunnit?" He suggested.
Josiah paused his notation, lifted his head and raised a speculative eyebrow.
"In what way would that be, Archibald?"
"Well, if they were that sloshed all the time, how did they ever get owt done? I mean, running the country and all that?"
"On the contrary, Archibald" Josiah returned to his writing, "I rather think it explains a great deal!"
“Hey up, now there’s no restrictions to speak of, is there any chance we might have a ‘work event’ here, Mr. O.?” He winked broadly.
“I think we see quite enough of each other, within a work setting, Archibald, without further expanding our horizons” Josiah said, determinedly, without looking up from his notes.
“Right you are, Mr. O.” Archibald grinned and headed off to his restricted duties.
You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald in the two collections of their stories, available in Kindle format, "A Dubious Undertaking and other stories" and "Grave Expectations"
