Now, where was I? I do seem to have wandered quite a way off my
original point. Oh yes, what to buy the
man in your life? Well, it could be
Viagra, then you could get some life in your man (boom, boom, as Basil Brush
would say) or, if I could make a humble suggestion, how about a high-visibility
vest, a two-way radio and, if you really want to go the whole hog, a pair of
reflective sunglasses. Let's take the
rationale for each of these suggestions in turn.
Firstly, the high-vis (to quote
the vernacular) vest. These items of
clothing instantly convey power to the wearer, possibly even super-powers! A man with a high-vis vest can stop traffic,
literally. Put him at the entrance to
anything and he has the power to interrogate.
"What are you here for today then, sir?" No-one ever questions his authority to do
this, the high-vis vest is sufficient unto itself. Every man, secretly, wants a high-vis vest,
and the best of it is, they are incredibly flattering. No matter how portly or scruffy the wearer,
the donning of the magic vest renders all beneath it authoritative, commanding
and superior.
Then there's the two-way
radio. Am I alone in thinking that the
vast majority of the conversations conducted via these are entirely
superfluous? Such stuff as:
A: "Jim, come in, over"
B: Appallingly loud static noise, brief snatches of music, then faint but
unintelligible sound that just might be speech of some form or another
A: (looking knowledgeable)
"Roger that, Jim. Just checking
that the radio is working, over"
B: Even worse static noise followed by a noise like a whale in distress,
then something like a vacuum cleaner on reverse suction.
A: (chuckles knowlingly) "Yeah, 10-4
Jim. I can eyeball that for sure, for
sure, over and out"
Even though it generates such
inane rubbish as this, most blokes would give their eye-teeth (what are these,
and why are they so valuable?) to have one.
Well, two actually, one being of no use at all. I can speak with some authority on this as
I'm currently on a cruise (bear with me, I'll explain). Quite a number of parents on board have taken
the sensible precaution of purchasing two-way radios in order to keep in touch
with their children, who could, of course, be anywhere on this vast ship
(although the lifts are usually a good bet).
All over the craft, you can see parents (and it's usually fathers) with
these toy walkie-talkies (and that's showing my age) clamped to their ear,
entirely oblivious to the fact that the apparatus is decorated in day-glo
orange or Barbie pink. And they're
having longer conversations with their offspring than they ever would have
face-to-face. Although they're actually
trying to find where little Cheyenne and Peyton are at this moment, in their
mind's eye they are talking to Red Leader about bandits at six-o-clock, as they
barrel over the White Cliffs of Dover.
The last element of the ensemble
has to be the reflective sunglasses, by which I mean sunglasses coated with a
mirrored surface on the outer surface. I
suppose that's a statement of the blindingly obvious - having the mirrored
surface on the inside would just give you an up close and personal view of the
inside of each eyeball, which would be somewhat disconcerting. Armed with our sunglasses we are suddenly
every American motorcycle cop we've ever seen on T.V. Miscreants pale at the image of themselves
captured in our lenses and then, for added effect, we can whip the glasses off
to pin them down with our steely glare.
There you have it, the ideal
present. Cheap, easy to get hold of and
guaranteed to deliver unlimited joy on the part of the recipient. You'll thank me for it one of these days but
the happiness of my fellow man is thanks enough. Ok chaps, are you receiving, over?
This is an extract from the latest compilation of stories -
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